{"id":7987,"date":"2022-01-19T17:15:53","date_gmt":"2022-01-19T16:15:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/?p=7987"},"modified":"2022-01-26T18:20:56","modified_gmt":"2022-01-26T17:20:56","slug":"tu-seras-viril-mon-fils","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/english\/all-identities-combined-s3\/not-like-the-other-boys\/","title":{"rendered":"Not Like the Other Boys"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I can\u2019t remember at what point people started rejecting me because of my \u201cmannerisms\u201d. At five? Four years old? Maybe even before that? My older sister remembers my father disapproved of me playing with her silver pony. I don\u2019t have any specific memory of that moment. Was I a toddler then\u2026? I do remember the family bullying of my early years that led to a trauma I held in my flesh, in my body. \u201cStop talking like a girl,\u201d \u201cuncross your legs,'' \u201cone day a man is going to take advantage of you,\u201d my father dreaded. At school, a friend of mine who acted tough questioned me one day: \u201cAre you a faggot?\u201d. I was 8 years old and asked my parents what it meant. A huge mistake as they forbade me to attend his birthday party on the next weekend, whilst my twin brother could go\u2026

Their ultimate decision was to take me to a therapist so I could be \u201cfixed\u201d. Moreover, my father wouldn\u2019t beat around the bush \u2014and even less in front of my feminist mother. \u201cCharles is smothered by his mother, coddled by his sister. He will end up\u2026 homosexual. What can you do?\u201d The word was out! And so, they wanted to put me back on the right track, despite the fact I didn\u2019t even have any sexual desire yet\u2026 My brother also took this \u201ceducational mission\u201d upon himself. He who was growing up witnessing our father call me names, even such as a \u201cbitch\u201d, would mimic him. His words went from \u201cYou have a hole instead of a dick,\u201d \u201cyou dirty faggot\u201d around the time we were at middle school to \u201cStop complaining, now you\u2019re normal\u201d or \u201cthanks to me, you\u2019re not gay,\u201d nowadays.

Although I\u2019ve always been way more attracted to women than men (I\u2019ve been living with the mother of my two daughters for twelve years), my feminine side \u2014and yes, it is quite present\u2014 has generated some violence from the males in my family. Big deal! Having a penis without conforming to traditional gender norms. Because it is what it is: I have a soft voice, sometimes I burst out laughing with my hand in front of my mouth, I express my emotions and I couldn\u2019t care less about soccer or cars. Besides my appearance being very common for a straight cisman (sweater, sneakers, shaved head), I have never been a guy, a \u201creal one\u201d.

A few years ago, before my father \u2014who had become more compassionate with me\u2014 passed, I dared to question him on the reasons behind the pathological bullying he put me through. \u201cYour therapist did a great job,\u201d he answered. But what job? Mainly teaching me how to love myself despite the relentlessness of those around me! I even managed to free myself from the soul crushing machine designed to produce masculine, tough men. And that, thanks to a major societal shift: the #MeToo wave, much more freeing than any workout session at the gym! Here was a movement which \u2014as it denounced sexist violence\u2014 largely questioned the \u201ctoxic\u201d masculinity at the root of my torment, a model leading as much \u201cto the organized subservience of women as of the men themselves!\u201d as Olivia Gazal\u00e9 reminds us in her book Le Mythe de la virilit\u00e9 [\u201cThe Myth of Virility\u201d] (Robert Laffont, 2019).

Indeed, the call for things to change from feminists (and LGBTQI+ folks) in the last few years has transformed the burden of \u201cbecoming a man\u201d into a real political fight. Yet, even though this critical discourse has been democratized, I can\u2019t help but notice that it\u2019s still difficult to talk about with the men around me. Are we so few straight men who want to put an end to our forced virilization?

When I looked hard enough, I did end up finding some, ready to remove the taboo. And yes, they often displayed a difference, contrasting with the hegemonic masculinity of their peers (tall, muscular or bad boy types\u2026). At 38 years old, Damien, who works in culture in Poitiers, still has to deal with tactless remarks \u201cYou look gay, are you sure you\u2019re not a homosexual?\u201d. \u201cThose inappropriate comments can even come from women!\u201d he deplores. Like this woman he recently met at a bar who invited him for drinks at her place. \u201cStrange how effeminate you are...,\u201d she kept on saying all night.

\u201cI was so uncomfortable that nothing happened in the end,\u201d Damien sighs. He has a hard time accepting \u201cbeing categorized, essentialized as such\u201d. He calls out \u201cexchanges that are too black and white\u201d at the core of relationships between men and women. \u201cIt\u2019s as if some girls have internalized the injunctions that weigh on them so well, that they actually end up reproducing them the other way round against men like me,\u201d he analyzes. \u201cBut why question my masculinity, my heterosexuality, only because I don\u2019t take on a masculine persona?\u201d

\u201cBe a man,\u201d \u201cdon\u2019t cry,\u201d \u201cbe strong\u201d are so many gender expectations 23-year-old No\u00e9 has really freed himself of. He wears necklaces, rings, and nail polish \u201cfor his own enjoyment, not for any political reason\u201d. Far from feeling self-conscious about it, he is straight and comfortable with his style. Even though he acknowledges that in his Parisian environment \u2014he works at a wine bar in the 11th arrondissement\u2014 self-acceptance is quite easy. \u201cAround me, I would say at least half the men my age are open to new masculinities. In any case, it\u2019s a real topic among us! Of course, there are still so many others who stick to the absurd typically masculine stuff.\u201d

When he was in Beaune in Burgundy for his studies, he did have to deal with some unpleasant comments. \u201cA few rough middle-aged men,\u201d that he was in charge of managing during his apprenticeship at Auchan. \u201cI certainly stood out over there with my jewelry and tight pants,\u201d he comments. \u201cSo even though it was tough, I had to assert myself.\u201d But No\u00e9 assures that these types of men don't upset him anymore, \u201cThey are so frustrated, so worried. Behind all these macho codes, they\u2019re actually still trying to find themselves\u2026 In my opinion, being a man is about being free, free to behave however you want and love whoever you want.\u201d

What about skirts? Neither No\u00e9 nor I wear any but I\u2019ve been following people and associations online that advocate to abolish the gender binary from the men\u2019s wardrobe. A wardrobe that is so much more limited for us\u2026 Exactly as the range of attitudes and emotions we are allowed to display in public.

Exit softness, fear, sadness, empathy, sensitivity\u2026 In short, everything that more or less comes across as a manifestion of femininity and thus homosexuality. If, in my experience, I mainly suffered the consequences of not conforming in my household, a lot of the men who are traitors to their gender first have to deal with stigmatization at school.

This was the case for some young engineers, also \u201cboylesque\u201d dancers \u2014at a cabaret part of the SCEP (\u201cCommunatarian Society of Parisian [male] Strippers\u201d)\u2014 who spoke in an episode of the podcast \u201cLes Couilles sur la Table\u201d*. Thomas, an artist, explains: \u201cI was conditioned to be like the other boys, to enjoy soccer, become an engineer\u2026 But I always wanted to dance.\u201d Everything that hinted femininity prompted \u201cmockery and insults at school,\u201d he remembers. \u201cI ended up doing what was expected of me.\u201d Now, Thomas has found a way of liberating himself thanks to his activity of burlesque dancing. This feminist art was long reserved to women in search for a sense of freedom far from the limitations dictated by gender. \u201cMirroring this, we adapt it for men, also affected by gender norms. Or in any case, for those like me who don\u2019t \u2018fit in\u2019: gay men, but not only\u2026\u201d

Boylesque dancer too, Aurel mentions his years in middle-school, where he became \u201ca scapegoat\u201d. \u201cI did really want to be like the others. During my engineering studies, alcohol ruled and you had to finish your drink or else you were considered a sissy, or kiss as many girls as possible at parties. And I did it, just to get recognition\u2026\u201d Since then, Aurel has unlearned everything. \u201cSurely, I identify as a cisgender man, but the more things progress, the more I wonder what it means. Actually, I really don\u2019t care about my gender anymore! If I want to wear makeup, I do. If I want to express femininity, I do. Because people have no business telling me how I should behave as long as I\u2019m not hurting anyone.\u201d

I would have liked hearing those words from my peers a long time ago but the #MeToo movement was necessary for us to start freeing ourselves too. Step by step. In other countries, things are progressing faster. For example, in the U.S., more and more speaking groups (far away from the masculinist nebula!) are emerging like Evryman, Junto\u2026, for those tired of playing the macho men. Among one another, they\u2019re learning how to express vulnerability without shame.

Overseas as well, in the U.S., but also in Canada or Brazil, awareness-raising programs are gathering momentum. Manhood 2.0 encourages young men to reflect upon the impact of harmful gender norms whilst Global Boyhood is designed to help parents provide their boys with an education based on gender equality. In Asia, the Korean program FatherSchools focuses on the key role of fathers, by accompanying those who are strictest, often workaholics and emotionally detached from their families. \u201cIf we take in this sexist culture without questioning it and don\u2019t change education, we will never achieve a change in the mentality of men!\u201d Julio C\u00e9sar Gonz\u00e1les P\u00e1ges, director of the Ibero-American Masculinity Network, summed up at a 2020 forum organized by UNESCO.

As for myself, I\u2019ve stopped trying to change my family\u2019s way of thinking. Even though at almost 40, I\u2019ve finally found some success, and not the least: nowadays none of my relatives dare to mention my so-called \u201cgender identity disorder\u201d. I now have to focus on my daughters\u2019 education, away from these toxic stereotypes. All the while knowing that this educational challenge remains even greater for those who are fathers to\u2026 boys.

*Special episode \"Eux-Les Boylesques\"<\/a> uploaded on the 19th of October 2018 <\/span><\/em><\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>

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Don't miss the next stories ...!<\/p><\/div><\/div>

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