{"id":7066,"date":"2021-06-01T17:22:33","date_gmt":"2021-06-01T15:22:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/?p=7066"},"modified":"2021-06-30T10:28:14","modified_gmt":"2021-06-30T08:28:14","slug":"ep4-une-longue-journee","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/english\/my-friend-called-anorexia\/ep4-une-longue-journee\/","title":{"rendered":"Ep #4 &#8211; Une longue journ\u00e9e"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"vce-row-container\" data-vce-boxed-width=\"true\"><div class=\"vce-row vce-row--col-gap-30 vce-row-columns--top vce-row-content--top\" id=\"el-a41244c1\" data-vce-do-apply=\"all el-a41244c1\"><div class=\"vce-row-content\" data-vce-element-content=\"true\"><div class=\"vce-col vce-col--md-auto vce-col--xs-1 vce-col--xs-last vce-col--xs-first vce-col--sm-last vce-col--sm-first vce-col--md-last vce-col--lg-last vce-col--xl-last vce-col--md-first vce-col--lg-first vce-col--xl-first\" id=\"el-9873354b\"><div class=\"vce-col-inner\" data-vce-do-apply=\"border margin background  el-9873354b\"><div class=\"vce-col-content\" data-vce-element-content=\"true\" data-vce-do-apply=\"padding el-9873354b\"><div class=\"vce-text-block\"><div class=\"vce-text-block-wrapper vce\" id=\"el-d3353370\" data-vce-do-apply=\"all el-d3353370\"><h3><span style=\"color: #263056;\"><span style=\"font-size: 24pt;\">||<\/span> THE PODCAST<\/span><\/h3><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"vce-row-container\"><div class=\"vce-row vce-row--col-gap-30 vce-row-columns--top vce-row-content--top\" data-vce-full-width=\"true\" data-vce-stretch-content=\"true\" id=\"el-d97803b6\" data-vce-do-apply=\"all el-d97803b6\"><div class=\"vce-content-background-container\"><\/div><div class=\"vce-row-content\" data-vce-element-content=\"true\"><div class=\"vce-col vce-col--md-18-81p vce-col--xs-1 vce-col--xs-last vce-col--xs-first vce-col--sm-last vce-col--sm-first vce-col--md-first vce-col--lg-first vce-col--xl-first\" id=\"el-e3273950\"><div class=\"vce-col-inner\" data-vce-do-apply=\"border margin background  el-e3273950\"><div class=\"vce-content-background-container\"><\/div><div class=\"vce-col-content\" data-vce-element-content=\"true\" data-vce-do-apply=\"padding el-e3273950\"><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"vce-col vce-col--md-64-49p vce-col--xs-1 vce-col--xs-last vce-col--xs-first vce-col--sm-last vce-col--sm-first\" id=\"el-6e8a7fa9\"><div class=\"vce-col-inner\" data-vce-do-apply=\"border margin background  el-6e8a7fa9\"><div class=\"vce-col-content\" data-vce-element-content=\"true\" data-vce-do-apply=\"padding el-6e8a7fa9\"><div class=\"vce-row-container\" data-vce-boxed-width=\"true\"><div class=\"vce-row vce-row--col-gap-30 podcast-link vce-row-columns--top vce-row-content--top\" id=\"el-7b15afd7\" data-vce-do-apply=\"all el-7b15afd7\"><div class=\"vce-row-content\" data-vce-element-content=\"true\"><div class=\"vce-col vce-col--md-auto vce-col--xs-1 vce-col--xs-last vce-col--xs-first vce-col--sm-last vce-col--sm-first vce-col--md-last vce-col--lg-last vce-col--xl-last vce-col--md-first vce-col--lg-first vce-col--xl-first\" id=\"el-e0259d30\"><div class=\"vce-col-inner\" data-vce-do-apply=\"border margin background  el-e0259d30\"><div class=\"vce-col-content\" data-vce-element-content=\"true\" data-vce-do-apply=\"padding el-e0259d30\"><div class=\"vce-text-block\"><div class=\"vce-text-block-wrapper vce\" id=\"el-dacb6140\" data-vce-do-apply=\"all el-dacb6140\"><h2 style=\"text-align: center; margin-top: 0px;\"><span style=\"font-size: 18pt;\">Listen to our podcast on your favorite streaming platform :<\/span><\/h2><\/div><\/div><div class=\"vce-single-image-container spotify-icon vce-single-image--align-center\"><div class=\"vce vce-single-image-wrapper\" id=\"el-eb5b736b\" data-vce-do-apply=\"all el-eb5b736b\"><figure><a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/episode\/4w6Fdkpo8MyjohKkEyGwVc?si=iO-CxKXHSwGG8Dbnh5-IWA\" title=\"Ecouter le podcast sur Spotify\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"vce-single-image-inner vce-single-image--absolute\" style=\"padding-bottom: 100%; width: 50px;\" rel=\"noopener\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"vce-single-image\" width=\"50\" height=\"50\" src=\"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/spotify512px-50x50.png\" srcset=\"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/spotify512px-320x320.png 320w,https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/spotify512px-480x480.png 480w,https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/spotify512px-800x800.png 800w,https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/spotify512px-50x50.png 50w,https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/spotify512px-100x100.png 2x\" data-img-src=\"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/spotify512px.png\" alt=\"Ecouter le podcast sur Spotify\" title=\"Ecouter le podcast sur Spotify\" \/><\/a><figcaption hidden=\"\"><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div><\/div><div class=\"vce-single-image-container vce-single-image--align-center\"><div class=\"vce vce-single-image-wrapper\" id=\"el-2a1b8750\" data-vce-do-apply=\"all el-2a1b8750\"><figure><a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/frictions\/id1521437948\" title=\"Ecouter le podcast sur Apple podcast\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"vce-single-image-inner vce-single-image--absolute\" style=\"padding-bottom: 100%; 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width: 50px;\" rel=\"noopener\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"vce-single-image\" width=\"50\" height=\"50\" src=\"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/deezer512pxcolor-50x50.png\" srcset=\"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/deezer512pxcolor-320x320.png 320w,https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/deezer512pxcolor-480x480.png 480w,https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/deezer512pxcolor-800x800.png 800w,https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/deezer512pxcolor-50x50.png 50w,https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/deezer512pxcolor-100x100.png 2x\" data-img-src=\"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/07\/deezer512pxcolor.png\" alt=\"Ecouter le podcast sur Deezer\" title=\"Ecouter le podcast sur Deezer\" \/><\/a><figcaption hidden=\"\"><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><div class=\"vce-raw-html\"><div class=\"vce-raw-html-wrapper\" id=\"el-aa662286\" data-vce-do-apply=\"all el-aa662286\"><iframe frameborder=\"0\" loading=\"lazy\" id=\"ausha-w6J2\" height=\"500\" style=\"border: none; width:100%; height:500px\" src=\"https:\/\/player.ausha.co\/index.html?showId=yJjeJSgegGeA&amp;display=vertical&amp;color=%23F08080&amp;dark=true&amp;multishow=true&amp;podcastId=BDwjzC82MeWE&amp;v=3&amp;playerId=ausha-w6J2\"><\/iframe><script src=\"https:\/\/player.ausha.co\/ausha-player.js\"><\/script>\n<\/div><\/div><div class=\"vce-text-block\"><div class=\"vce-text-block-wrapper vce\" id=\"el-9ebdd4a3\" data-vce-do-apply=\"all el-9ebdd4a3\"><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI was so disappointed in myself; I wanted so badly not to be among those who relapse. But I was also afraid that people would be disappointed in me.\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mathilde was admitted a second time to the same hospital, this time for two weeks and with a little bit more freedom.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI was allowed to have visitors, to keep my phone and my laptop. Because, this time, I told them I wasn\u2019t in denial, I knew I needed help and I was the one reaching out to get it. I wanted us to find solutions together. They wanted me to go back to the psychiatric ward, but for me that was out of the question.\u201d<\/span><\/p><blockquote><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201c<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This time, it was important for me to take an active part in my treatment, for myself, not merely to please others.\u201d<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mathilde explains that she wanted to avoid the psychiatric ward at all costs; that what she wanted was to receive help in her own environment, at home. They told her that the recovery process would take much longer. <\/span><strong>\u201cI said I\u2019ll take the odds; I needed them to trust me and they did, and I think that was the right decision.\u201d<\/strong><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> She left the hospital with a strict plan that included a minimum weight \u2014 were she to drop below that weight, she\u2019d have to head back to the psych ward.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201c<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This time, it was important for me to take an active part in my treatment, for myself, not merely to please others. I really wanted to understand; so I was willing to put in<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> a lot<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> of effort<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For Alain Perroud, this new mindset in which Mathilde found herself after her relapse is essential to fully recover from anorexia: \u201cRecovery won\u2019t come from the doctors curing the patient; it is the patient who will heal themselves if they are conscious of being ill and that the illness puts their life at risk.\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cThe second time I was discharged,\u201d Mathilde explains, \u201cit was my birthday. The first thing I asked was to go and eat cake, to mark the occasion. And unlike the first time, I didn\u2019t think being discharged meant I was out of the woods. I thought, \u2018Okay, now it begins.\u2019 This new mindset was really helpful because I acknowledged that I was ill and that I couldn\u2019t pretend nothing was wrong.\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mathilde was ready to \u201cfight the war\u201d, even though she had no idea how long it would last. Sometimes it seemed to her that she would never get better. \u201cI went through episodes of despair when I thought I would never be able to recover, to the point that I briefly considered accepting my life as it was.\u201d<\/span><\/p><blockquote><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How are you supposed to be patient when you\u2019re 23? How do you set your fervor aside for an illness that is eating you alive? How do you forgive, forgive yourself for your mistakes, for wasting those years of character building because of your brain that is ill?<\/span><\/i><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><\/blockquote><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Although Mathilde chose to recover at home, her daily life was filled with appointments: she was monitored by her psychiatrist, her GP and a nutritionist. The frequency of the appointments was adjusted depending on how she was doing, whether she was making progress or suffering a relapse. But overall, it lasted five years. After trying psychoanalysis \u2014 which she found unhelpful and quit \u2014 Mathilde also reached out to a therapist who suggested systemic therapy. \u201cThat was life-saving for me. Rather than attempting to determine past causes, it focuses on the present and the situations you find yourself in, and aims to provide tools that will help you feel better in the moment before confronting the rest.\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I ask Mathilde about what happens in a session. \u201cThe therapist talks just as much as the patient, so it\u2019s a real dialogue. Sometimes we would use drawings, exercises \u2014 visual things that are then discussed with the therapist who wants to make sure she understands what you bring to the session. What I liked was that it was so practical: I could talk about a concrete situation that upset me, and we would talk it through to find a solution together and to see how this could be applied to other situations. It\u2019s like progressively building a shield.\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Alain Perroud outlines a few more features of systemic therapy: \u201cThe aim is to help the patient improve their relationship with others, by reflecting on the way they communicate and on their place in the family. This approach is especially relevant when the person suffering from anorexia is socially dependent on others \u2014 for example when they live at home with their family. The most interesting model for this therapy is perhaps what is called interpersonal therapy, which isn\u2019t very common in France but is widely practiced in Anglo-American countries. The focus on relationships can tackle grief, changes in role, life transitions, feelings of loneliness\u2026 These issues can all be successfully addressed through this type of therapy for people with anorexia.\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mathilde\u2019s diary reads: \u201c<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The work we do in therapy is beneficial but tiresome. It impacts my relationships with others; I need to destroy everything in order to rebuild everything.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cSometimes, I feel like I have found myself; but sometimes, I feel lost.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI cry, I feel lonely, misunderstood.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cSadness and melancholy always seem to be there; feelings that I had almost forgotten, that gave way to anger. I am angry, I feel like a victim struggling to find solutions, impatient. <\/span><\/i><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">How are you supposed to be patient when you\u2019re 23? How do you set your fervor aside for an illness that is eating you alive? How do you forgive, forgive yourself for your mistakes, for wasting those years of character building because of your brain that is ill?<\/span><\/i><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Interpersonal therapy. Relationships with others. I notice that Alain Perroud talks a lot about the role of the family in this type of therapy. I feel slightly surprised, for Mathilde hasn\u2019t really talked about her family. I ask her about it and she tells me that she did have a few sessions with her parents. I notice that we hardly talked about how her parents might have played a part in the development of her illness. At this point, I have to admit that, when I was researching anorexia, it often came up that a toxic relationship with the mother could be a contributing factor. I wondered if there was a problem with her parents.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One day, as we are going through her notebooks, we find cards and letters sent by her family when she was in the hospital. I take the opportunity to ask her about it. She picks up a postcard from her father: \u201cHe just wrote this quote: \u2018Children absorb the fear, the sorrow and the anxiety of adults.\u2019\u201d \u201cDo you think your dad felt guilty, about your illness?\u201d I ask her. \u201cWell I think he reconsidered a lot of things about my childhood. But guilt and blame are pointless.\u201d I ask her about her mother then. \u201cI guess she felt bad about it,\u201d Mathilde says, \u201cjust like every parent feels bad when something happens to their child \u2014 especially with mental illnesses. Because mental health isn\u2019t as discussed as physical health; there is the belief that people suffering from a mental illness can control it. Sometimes you think that none of this would have happened if x thing hadn\u2019t been done or said to trigger it \u2014 but it\u2019s like History, we don\u2019t actually know. It is a complex combination of personality, environmental factors and social relationships. It\u2019s too easy to put the blame on parents when really it\u2019s much more complex than that. But yes, I think they agonized over that, because of this bias that ties mental illness to \u2018bad parents\u2019. I find it really harsh, because there is no such a thing as \u2018the perfect parent\u2019, only people doing the best they can with what they have. My parents were very loving and overall really good parents that stuck by my side through everything.\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Apparently my assumptions were wrong. I questioned Alain Perroud about these preconceived notions regarding toxic family relationships and anorexia. \u201cIt has been hotly debated for the past forty years. In the 1970s, it was thought that the family was both the trigger of and the fuel for the illness. A systemic approach went as far as to consider the illness a mere symptom of a dysfunctioning family. To be clear, these notions were disqualified. Studies never proved that the hypotheses about overprotective mothers or absent fathers were relevant. The paradoxical conclusion of recent studies on the relationship between the family and anorexia nervosa, is that the more the family is proven to play a small-minimal role in the problem, the more the family is proven to play a big-major role in its resolution.\u201d<\/span><\/p><blockquote><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI kept pretending everything was fine, until my mind found another way to express my feelings. This is how I understand it.\u201d<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">About a year after her relapse, thanks to therapy and the support of her loved ones, Mathilde began to feel better. She got a job in a performing arts center \u2014 and that was where we met. Today she acknowledges how beneficial it has been for her, to find her place in a professional setting where she felt good. \u201cIt really helped me to socialize again and to be more than my illness. I made a lot of friends there and I can\u2019t thank them enough. I don\u2019t know if they realize how helpful and precious it has been, to be able to meet people, to chat with them, to just be with them and to see people laughing\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In this new life, for the first time in ages, Mathilde not only feels better, she feels <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">good<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. She also understands many things about the disorder. \u201cThe way I see it, <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I had been quiet for too long, I didn\u2019t want to talk about it and kept pretending everything was fine, until my mind found another way to express my feelings. This is how I understand it. It had to be released, to be visible, and because I couldn\u2019t find the words, it was translated through anorexia and weight loss<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cWhen you were 20, at the time when you became ill,\u201d I ask her, \u201cwhat was your vision of a successful life?\u201d She says she had no idea, or rather that <strong>her idea of a successful life didn't fit what is usually expected of you when you are in your twenties.<\/strong> \u201cI pictured having someone you love by your side, spending time with your loved ones, and having a job you\u2019re interested in. But really, at the time, it wasn\u2019t so much about work; it really was about the people dear to me, my friends and my family, and I thought it was a problem. I thought I lacked ambition and perhaps it meant that I wasn\u2019t good enough. Even now my vision of a successful life is the same \u2014 but now I fully accept it. When I was 20, I didn\u2019t accept it, because for one thing it wasn\u2019t what would bring me money, it wasn\u2019t enough with regard to society. <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I didn\u2019t have the maturity yet to acknowledge that what mattered was whether or not it was enough <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">for me<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Now, the difference is that I know which life I want and move towards it. When something makes me happy, that\u2019s what I go towards. And just this, for me is proof of being healed<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201c<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019ve always been scared that fighting anorexia might become my whole identity. After the fight, what do I become? What purpose do I have? This war I\u2019m fighting takes a lot of time and space, it is a part of who I am; I\u2019m becoming an adult because of it.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI want to shout how happy I am to be alive, my joy when I feel it, my youth. Of course everything will come in due time. More than anything, I want to feel good and at peace.<\/span><\/i><\/p><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI don\u2019t know if I can come back to that race. But do I really want to play by the rules? What if I don\u2019t resume my education? What if I don\u2019t succeed in achieving what I want? I don\u2019t even want to think about it.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p><p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cTo find the right words to describe your feelings or emotions is still one of the hardest tasks I know of<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> If one day I manage to do it, I would have already won so much.<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">After all this time, Mathilde can say it loud and clear: her difficult journey ultimately helped her to overcome her deepest fears and gave her the strength to live the life she wants to live. She talks about how, when you are 20, you regard failure as something inacceptable, something that is to be feared. \u201cNo one tells you that sometimes, failing at something becomes the ground you will be able to flourish on later. And this is something you tend to learn very late in life. Some of my friends who are between 26 and 35 are still really scared of failure, whereas I see failure as an opportunity to learn something and grow. Falling down doesn\u2019t mean you will die from it. When you\u2019re 20, you think that if you fall down, you will die. I was so afraid that I really did fall down, in the end, but at least now I\u2019m no longer afraid.\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cDo you think recovery brought you the ability to appreciate the moment?\u201d I ask Mathilde. \u201cThat\u2019s what I\u2019ve been doing these past four years,\u201d she laughs. \u201cIt seemed like such a long day, suffering from anorexia, as if time had stopped, a day that never seemed to end. So now, I\u2019m really more attuned to the present, to the immediacy of life. Everything I went through showed me I wasn\u2019t invincible like I thought I was, and with that came the fear of not having lived the life I want to live. Those five years I spent consumed with anorexia, I will never get them back. And I don\u2019t want to live like that anymore, I don\u2019t want to wonder, \u2018Will I be able to make up for this lost time?\u2019 \u2014 I just want to live in the moment when it comes. I don\u2019t want to have regrets.\u201d<\/span><\/p><blockquote><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI focus on the present moment and on taking part in life \u2014 because I have so much better to do! There\u2019s more to life than being miserable about your appearance. To be honest, I prefer how I used to look, but I feel so much better now that it doesn\u2019t matter anymore.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201d<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To a certain extent, Mathilde was lucky: her life was turned upside down for five years, but she managed to get back to a \u2018normal life\u2019 pretty quickly. Alain Perroud underlines how time consuming the illness is: \u201cSuffering from anorexia nervosa can take up between three or five years of a person\u2019s life, sometimes even a decade, and it takes a lot of time to recover from it. Their social life, relationships, and personal development will be put on hold during that time. This is why it is so hard in recovery to get back to those things, to find your place, find your purpose, to have a career and romantic relationships. Recovery is followed by a period of time when the individual is at risk of relapsing and needs to find a sense of stability.\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cWhen did you consider yourself healed?\u201d is my next question to Mathilde. \u201cWhen I started&nbsp;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">struggling with stuff that involved my emotions and that I did not restrict my food intake. Also, when I gained some weight back and didn't cry. It annoyed me, but I didn\u2019t cry and I didn\u2019t act on it.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">According to Alain Perroud, between 60% and 80% of people who suffered from anorexia are able to recover without lasting harm. I ask Mathilde about the traces of the illness that she still carries with her: \u201cI\u2019m still somewhere between passion\/repulsion. I enjoy eating, but the less time I spend thinking about it and about what we\u2019re going to eat, the better. I eat when I\u2019m hungry. I still remember the calories, but it doesn\u2019t affect me anymore. I no longer want to intellectualize food.\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201c<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When I look at pictures of myself at 18 years old, I have the feeling that we have been several persons, taking turns living our life, one after the other. I can\u2019t find a link between myself and this girl. She has curves, she\u2019s laughing, she has her whole life ahead of her, and I\u2019m pretty sure that, at 18, she believes in life. She has a lot of expectations about higher education, and about the world that is opening up to her. I\u2019m afraid I have let her down. I can\u2019t seem to establish a connection between each fragment of the girl I was<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Today, Mathilde still has a distorted vision of her body, but she decided to not let body image be an issue. \u201cEven if I don\u2019t like the way I look, I go beyond that;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> I focus on the present moment and on taking part in life \u2014 because I have so much better to do! There\u2019s more to life than being miserable about your appearance. 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https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/Portrait-Lola-70x70.jpeg 70w, https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/Portrait-Lola-526x526.jpeg 526w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 100px) 100vw, 100px\" \/>                <\/span>\n                \t<\/div>\n\n    <!-- Author social -->\n    \n    <!-- Author data -->\n    <div class=\"m-a-box-item m-a-box-data\">\n\n        <!-- Author name -->\n        \n<div class=\"m-a-box-name m-a-box-title\">\n\t<h5 itemprop=\"name\">\n                        <span>\n\t\t\t        Lola Bertet                <\/span>\n\t            \t<\/h5>\n<\/div>\n        <!-- Author metadata -->\n        \n<div class=\"m-a-box-item m-a-box-meta\">\n\n    \n    \n    \n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t        \t\t<script type=\"text\/javascript\" language=\"JavaScript\">\n\t\t\tif ( typeof window.ToggleAuthorshipData === 'undefined' )\n\t\t\t{\n\t\t\t\tfunction ToggleAuthorshipData(id, author)\n\t\t\t\t{\n\t\t\t\t\tlet box_selector = '#mab-' + id;\n                    let box = document.querySelector(box_selector);\n                    if ( box.getAttribute('data-multiauthor') ) box_selector = '#mab-' + id + ' [data-author-ref=\"' + author + '\"]';\n                    let label = document.querySelector(box_selector + ' ' + '.m-a-box-data-toggle');\n\t\t\t\t\tlabel.innerHTML = ( label.text.trim() === \"Plus de publications\" ? \" <span class=\\\"m-a-box-string-bio\\\">Biographie<\/span>\" : \" <span class=\\\"m-a-box-string-more-posts\\\">Plus de publications<\/span>\" );\n                    let bio     = document.querySelector(box_selector + ' ' + '.m-a-box-bio');\n                    let related = document.querySelector(box_selector + ' ' + '.m-a-box-related-entries');\n\n\t\t\t\t\tif ( related.style.display === \"none\" )\n\t\t\t\t\t{\n\t\t\t\t\t\trelated.style.display = \"block\";\n\t\t\t\t\t\tbio.style.display     = \"none\";\n\t\t\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t\t\telse\n\t\t\t\t\t{\n\t\t\t\t\t\trelated.style.display = \"none\";\n\t\t\t\t\t\tbio.style.display     = \"block\";\n\t\t\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t}\n\t\t<\/script>\n\t\t<a href=\"javascript:ToggleAuthorshipData(5494617682, 'guest-7046')\" class=\"m-a-box-data-toggle\" > <span class=\"m-a-box-string-more-posts\">More stories<\/span> <\/a>\n\t\n<\/div><!-- End of .m-a-box-meta -->\n\n        <!-- Author bio -->\n        \n<div class=\"m-a-box-bio\" itemprop=\"description\">\n    <p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Born in Paris in 1993, Lola developed a passion for stories early on. After her studies in theatre focused on dramaturgy, she discovered the world of podcasts. She launched her first one in 2016, titled \"Dans la Loge\" [\"Backstage\"], a series of interviews with female performers. She received training at Radio Campus Paris, Longueurs d'Ondes before going back to university to complete a master's degree in Journalism. In 2020, she self-produced a podcast called \"D\u00e9placement(s)\" [\"Shifting\"]: life trajectories turned upside down consequently to the Covid-19 crisis.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n        \n            <!-- Author related posts -->\n            <div class=\"m-a-box-related\" data-related-layout=\"layout-1\">\n                <div class=\"m-a-box-item m-a-box-related-entries\" style=\"display: none;\">\n\n                    <ul>\n                            <li>\n        <div class=\"m-a-box-related-entry\" itemscope itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/CreativeWork\">\n            <div class=\"molongui-display-none\" itemprop=\"author\" itemscope itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/Person\">\n                <div itemprop=\"name\">Lola Bertet<\/div>\n                <div itemprop=\"url\">#molongui-disabled-link<\/div>\n            <\/div>\n            <div class=\"m-a-box-related-entry-title\">\n                <i class=\"m-a-icon-doc\"><\/i>\n                <a class=\"molongui-remove-underline\" href=\"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/english\/9-to-5-the-time-of-your-life-s4\/the-most-beautiful-job-in-the-world\/\" itemprop=\"url\">\n                    <span itemprop=\"headline\">The most beautiful job in the world ?<\/span>\n                <\/a>\n            <\/div>\n        <\/div>\n    <\/li>\n        <li>\n        <div class=\"m-a-box-related-entry\" itemscope itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/CreativeWork\">\n            <div class=\"molongui-display-none\" itemprop=\"author\" itemscope itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/Person\">\n                <div itemprop=\"name\">Lola Bertet<\/div>\n                <div itemprop=\"url\">#molongui-disabled-link<\/div>\n            <\/div>\n            <div class=\"m-a-box-related-entry-title\">\n                <i class=\"m-a-icon-doc\"><\/i>\n                <a class=\"molongui-remove-underline\" href=\"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/english\/my-friend-called-anorexia\/epilogue\/\" itemprop=\"url\">\n                    <span itemprop=\"headline\">Epilogue<\/span>\n                <\/a>\n            <\/div>\n        <\/div>\n    <\/li>\n        <li>\n        <div class=\"m-a-box-related-entry\" itemscope itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/CreativeWork\">\n            <div class=\"molongui-display-none\" itemprop=\"author\" itemscope itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/Person\">\n                <div itemprop=\"name\">Lola Bertet<\/div>\n                <div itemprop=\"url\">#molongui-disabled-link<\/div>\n            <\/div>\n            <div class=\"m-a-box-related-entry-title\">\n                <i class=\"m-a-icon-doc\"><\/i>\n                <a class=\"molongui-remove-underline\" href=\"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/english\/my-friend-called-anorexia\/ep-3-lenfer\/\" itemprop=\"url\">\n                    <span itemprop=\"headline\">Ep #3 - In Hell<\/span>\n                <\/a>\n            <\/div>\n        <\/div>\n    <\/li>\n        <li>\n        <div class=\"m-a-box-related-entry\" itemscope itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/CreativeWork\">\n            <div class=\"molongui-display-none\" itemprop=\"author\" itemscope itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/Person\">\n                <div itemprop=\"name\">Lola Bertet<\/div>\n                <div itemprop=\"url\">#molongui-disabled-link<\/div>\n            <\/div>\n            <div class=\"m-a-box-related-entry-title\">\n                <i class=\"m-a-icon-doc\"><\/i>\n                <a class=\"molongui-remove-underline\" href=\"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/english\/my-friend-called-anorexia\/ep-2-lune-de-miel\/\" itemprop=\"url\">\n                    <span itemprop=\"headline\">Ep #2 - Honeymoon<\/span>\n                <\/a>\n            <\/div>\n        <\/div>\n    <\/li>\n        <li>\n        <div class=\"m-a-box-related-entry\" itemscope itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/CreativeWork\">\n            <div class=\"molongui-display-none\" itemprop=\"author\" itemscope itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/Person\">\n                <div itemprop=\"name\">Lola Bertet<\/div>\n                <div itemprop=\"url\">#molongui-disabled-link<\/div>\n            <\/div>\n            <div class=\"m-a-box-related-entry-title\">\n                <i class=\"m-a-icon-doc\"><\/i>\n                <a class=\"molongui-remove-underline\" href=\"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/english\/my-friend-called-anorexia\/ep1-une-fille-elegante\/\" itemprop=\"url\">\n                    <span itemprop=\"headline\">Ep #1 - A Fancy Girl<\/span>\n                <\/a>\n            <\/div>\n        <\/div>\n    <\/li>\n        <li>\n        <div class=\"m-a-box-related-entry\" itemscope itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/CreativeWork\">\n            <div class=\"molongui-display-none\" itemprop=\"author\" itemscope itemtype=\"http:\/\/schema.org\/Person\">\n                <div itemprop=\"name\">Lola Bertet<\/div>\n                <div itemprop=\"url\">#molongui-disabled-link<\/div>\n            <\/div>\n            <div class=\"m-a-box-related-entry-title\">\n                <i class=\"m-a-icon-doc\"><\/i>\n                <a class=\"molongui-remove-underline\" href=\"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/english\/my-friend-called-anorexia\/prologue\/\" itemprop=\"url\">\n                    <span itemprop=\"headline\">Prologue<\/span>\n                <\/a>\n            <\/div>\n        <\/div>\n    <\/li>\n                        <\/ul>\n\n                <\/div><!-- End of .m-a-box-related-entries -->\n            <\/div><!-- End of .m-a-box-related -->\n\n        \n    <\/div><!-- End of .m-a-box-data -->\n\n<\/div><!-- End of .m-a-box-content-middle -->\n\n<div class=\"m-a-box-content-bottom\"><\/div><!-- End of .m-a-box-content-bottom -->        <\/div><!-- End of .m-a-box-profile -->\n\n        \n    <\/div><!-- End of .m-a-box-container -->\n\n\t\n<\/div><!-- End of .m-a-box --><style id=\"molongui-author-box-shortcode-inline-css\" type=\"text\/css\">#mab-5494617682.m-a-box {width:100%;margin-top: !important;margin-right: !important;margin-bottom: !important;margin-left: !important;}#mab-5494617682 .m-a-box-header {margin-bottom:20px;}#mab-5494617682 .m-a-box-header > :first-child, #mab-5494617682 .m-a-box-header a.m-a-box-header-url {font-size:px;line-height:px;}#mab-5494617682 .m-a-box-container {padding-top:0;padding-right:0;padding-bottom:0;padding-left:0;border-style:solid;border-top-width:0;border-right-width:0;border-bottom-width:0;border-left-width:0;border-color:#e8e8e8;background-color:#f7f8f9;box-shadow:10px 10px 10px transparent ;}#mab-5494617682 .m-a-box-avatar img, #mab-5494617682 .m-a-box-avatar div[data-avatar-type=\"acronym\"] {border-style:solid;border-width:0px;border-color:transparent;border-radius:45%;}#mab-5494617682 .m-a-box-name *  {font-size:15px;line-height:1px;color:#283056 !important;}#mab-5494617682 .m-a-box-content.m-a-box-profile .m-a-box-data .m-a-box-meta * {font-size:12px;line-height:px;color:#283056;}#mab-5494617682 .m-a-box-meta-divider {padding:0 0.2em;}#mab-5494617682 .m-a-box-bio > * {font-size:14px;line-height:px;font-weight:normal;font-style:none;text-align:justify;color:#283056;}#mab-5494617682 .m-icon-container {background-color: inherit; border-color: inherit; color: #283056 !important;font-size:14px;}#mab-5494617682 .m-a-box-related-entry-title, #mab-5494617682 .m-a-box-related-entry-title a {font-size:14px;color:#283056;}@import url('https:\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css?family=Montserrat');\n\n\/* Appliquer la police Montserrat \u00e0 tous les \u00e9l\u00e9ments *\/\nbody {\n  font-family: 'Montserrat', sans-serif;\n}\n\n\/* Appliquer la police Montserrat \u00e0 un \u00e9l\u00e9ment sp\u00e9cifique *\/\nh1 {\n  font-family: 'Montserrat', sans-serif;\n}\n\n\/* Appliquer la police Montserrat \u00e0 une classe sp\u00e9cifique *\/\n.my-element {\n  font-family: 'Montserrat', sans-serif;\n}<\/style><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>After leaving the hospital, Mathilde struggles to find her way out of anorexia nervosa, between relapses and different types of therapy.<\/p>\n\t\t<div class=\"more-link-holder\">\n\t\t\t<a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/english\/my-friend-called-anorexia\/ep4-une-longue-journee\/\">read more <i class=\"fa fa-angle-double-right\"><\/i><\/a>\n\t\t<\/div>","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":7039,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ub_ctt_via":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[121],"tags":[76,113],"featured_image_src":"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/05\/Ep-4-Une-longue-journe\u0301e.jpeg","author_info":{"display_name":"Lola Bertet","author_link":"#molongui-disabled-link"},"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.5 - 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