{"id":2274,"date":"2020-06-02T13:58:21","date_gmt":"2020-06-02T12:58:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/?p=2274"},"modified":"2021-02-12T12:26:56","modified_gmt":"2021-02-12T11:26:56","slug":"poisson-davril","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/prod-2018.frictions.co\/english\/stay-away-if-you-love-me\/april-fool\/","title":{"rendered":"April Fool"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Being sick in the hospital is the bummer of all bummers. Dammit, I had an April Fool\u2019s prank all planned and everything. I was gonna dress in the gorilla suit I bought at work and scare the boys when they got home from school. But they haven\u2019t had school in weeks on account of the virus. Instead, they\u2019ve been sitting on their behinds, stuffing face and playing Madden on Xbox. I know they\u2019re not attending all their Zoom classes either.<\/p>\r\n

In my 43 years, I\u2019ve never never been on a ventilator before. I sound kind of like Darth Vader, only if he were laid up and zonked on pain meds. These are actually pretty sweet pain meds, and they\u2019re going right into my arm through this IV here. I don\u2019t have to do a thing. It\u2019s hard to tell how much is me breathing\u2014and how much is the machine filling me with The Force.<\/p>\r\n

The coughs earlier were so bad. It felt like a little person was sitting on my chest, digging into my lungs with his tiny butt. I\u2019m glad not to be coughing now. I haven\u2019t coughed that much since we\u2019d smoke grass out of soda cans in high school. Those coughs were fun.<\/p>\r\n

It\u2019s Tad and the boys on the nurse\u2019s iPad! They look so handsome. If only the screen would stop buffering. Christ. What are they saying? Is that an \u201cI love you\u201d? Oh, they\u2019re so sweet. I say, \u201cI love you\u201d back, but I don\u2019t know if they can make out what I\u2019m saying with the tube in my mouth. Plus, this ventilator is awfully loud.<\/p>\r\n

I signal to the nurse to turn up the volume on the iPad, but my arm hardly raises. Whatever they\u2019re pumping into me must be strong. Tad and the boys are all pixelated now, and I can\u2019t make out what they\u2019re saying. I don\u2019t like them seeing me like this, anyway.<\/p>\r\n

My eyelids are so heavy. I\u2019m just gonna rest. I\u2019ll be back to normal soon enough. Tad and the boys will come pick me up. On the ride back, we\u2019ll stop for Chick-Fil-A. I can already taste those strips and waffles fries. Maybe I\u2019ll get a peach shake.<\/p>\r\n

I\u2019m Karen Spitzer, dammit. I\u2019ve beaten viruses before. I\u2019ve shown the flu who\u2019s boss the past couple years. This is just the Chinese version. It\u2019s got a different seasoning, that\u2019s all. I\u2019ll be okay.<\/p>\r\n

I\u2019m just gonna drift off to my happy place...<\/p>\r\n

I\u2019m in the jacuzzi with Tad back home. We\u2019re drinking his famous margaritas with the salt on the brim. The boys are out for the night and we have the house all to ourselves. He gives me that look, then we head to the bedroom. We undress and get it on with the same passion we\u2019ve had for the past eighteen years. That\u2019s my happy place. Home.<\/p>\r\n

Cough. Cough-cough. Cough-cough-cough-cough-cough-cough-cough-cough. Cough-cough! Cough ...<\/p>\r\n

Damn, that man is really coughing his lungs up across the way. Did I sound that bad earlier?
I\u2019m just sick of it. All the coughing and illness. All the talk about corona this, covid that. It\u2019s all anyone\u2019s been yapping about the past month.<\/p>\r\n

It didn\u2019t matter much to me. Tucker and Hannity said it was nothing. Even liberals like Dr. Drew said it was basically the flu. I wasn\u2019t worried, at least not about the virus itself.<\/p>\r\n

Trump wasn\u2019t worried and he\u2019s been doing a great job, so I take my cues from him. He\u2019s gotten our economy back on track and he\u2019s making America great again, not panicking over one issue. He has scientists to deal with the virus, and they told him it was no big deal. He\u2019s doing what he can with the knowledge he has. Still, the liberal media and the radicals in the deep state are using all this to seize power.<\/p>\r\n

Sure, I tested positive for covid, but it\u2019s still fishy to me. Why do they want us avoiding each other? Because they know we\u2019re stronger in numbers. The deep state just wants to be in power again like with Obama. They want to crash the stock market and sink the economy so creepy, old Joe Biden can ride into town like the hero and save the day. Yeah, right. Not gonna happen.<\/p>\r\n

The left wants us to think it\u2019s the end of times\u2014and that Trump caused the virus. How could he be the cause, when it came from China? Still, they keep pushing that old Jew Bernie on us, screaming like he\u2019s all out of bagels. Or there\u2019s Pocahontas Liz on CNN doing chants to stop the virus. Puh-lease.<\/p>\r\n

It really felt like a dream when all this started. Everywhere started to close, from the boys\u2019 high school to Tad\u2019s Mazda dealership. The shooting range. Movie theaters. Restaurants. Tad and I got Outback takeout on our 18th anniversary and trust me, a Bloomin\u2019 Onion doesn\u2019t travel well. I hated being upset on our special day on top of everything else.<\/p>\r\n

More and more people in the neighborhood began to keep a distance. Pastor Gilroy started giving his sermons behind a glass shield like he was the Pope or a bank teller. About half the families who normally attend stopped coming to Sunday services altogether and started watching on Zoom instead. Lame, if you ask me. We didn\u2019t give in to the fear. Hell, we always stock up on toilet paper and paper goods with my employee discount. Who was that liberal nazi to tell me I was hoarding?<\/p>\r\n

Costco made us work in masks and use hand sanitizer. But you can\u2019t work a register in a mask. You\u2019re constantly looking down to scan items and handle cash or credit cards. Then the mask is either riding up, falling down or just sitting uneven. When you sweat, which you will, it starts to smell like an oatmeal fart stuck to your face. I went long stretches without wearing it, and the hand sanitizer made my nails burn, so no thank you. I didn\u2019t see many sick people at work, so I probably didn\u2019t catch it from there.<\/p>\r\n

I just want things to be back to normal. I want to let off steam at the shooting range with the new Glock. I don\u2019t want Austyn to miss his senior prom. I want to know who he\u2019s gonna take, and it better not be that Chinese girl. I won\u2019t allow it. I want to see Eli get into shape and make varsity. He\u2019s so committed. I want Tad back at work selling cars, which he\u2019s the best at\u2014and it makes him so happy. I hate seeing him this sad, this bored.<\/p>\r\n

Cough. Cough-cough-cough. Cough-cough-cough-cough-cough-cough! Cough! Cough! Cough-cough ...<\/p>\r\n

Okay, now. Shut up! Now I\u2019m getting mad. I\u2019m seriously upset. I don\u2019t wanna be here. Dammit! I\u2019ve done my part to live righteously for our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. I\u2019m far from a perfect creature, but I\u2019ve tried my best. I\u2019ve given back to my community. I\u2019ve put my family before myself. I\u2019ve never bought into fear, or the False Evidence Appearing Real.<\/p>\r\n

It all struck me as false, yet here I am. I suppose I have faith that everything is gonna turn out okay. What are my options? I just don\u2019t get why I\u2019m being punished. I did like the news said. I spoke my truth on Facebook, and everyone agreed with me. So then why am I here?<\/p>\r\n

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.<\/p>\r\n

What\u2019s that noise? Sounds like the nurses are heading over to that coughing guy. That can\u2019t be good.<\/p>\r\n

I\u2019ve never been sick like this before. Thanks, China. You fuckers. When I recover, we\u2019re done with China. No more Chinese electronics or Chinese food. Bye-bye, Chinese cleaning ladies. Maybe I caught it from Ming-Ling? Last time she steps foot in our house again. I know Tad likes her, but this is the last straw.<\/p>\r\n

Tad and the boys will be here soon. I can\u2019t wait to surprise them in the gorilla suit later and yell, \u201cApril Fool\u2019s!\u201d and we\u2019ll all laugh and laugh. But right now, I just need to rest then get off this damn machine.<\/p>\r\n

It really does sound like Darth Vader. It\u2019s uncanny. \u201cLuuuke, I am your father.\u201d<\/p>\r\n

When I get well, we\u2019ll look back on this April Fool\u2019s Day as the funniest one yet.<\/p><\/div><\/div>

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Don't miss the next episodes... !<\/p>

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